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All Character Quotes
|1x01 - Extreme Aggressor|
| Hotch: This is Special Agent Spencer Reid. |
Gideon: Doctor Reid.
Hotch: Doctor Reid, our expert in well everything.
| Hotch: This is Dr. Reid |
Heather’s Brother: Doctor? You seem too young to have gotten into Medical school...
Reid:There are PhD's. Three of them.
Heather’s Brother: Are you a genius or something?
Reid:I don’t believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute. [gets a weird look] Yes, I’m a genius.
| Morgan: Reid, are you good with this? We’ve got a woman who’s only got a few hours left to live, an incomplete profile, and a Unit Chief on the verge of a nervous breakdown. |
Gideon: [enters the room] They don’t call them nervous breakdowns anymore.
Reid: It's called a major depressive episode.
| Morgan: [to Elle] Next time, show a little leg.|
Elle: Hey Morgan, the only time your going to see a little leg from me, is when i'm about to kick your ass.
| Gideon: "Try again. Fail again. Fail better." |
Reid: Samuel Beckett.
Morgan: "Try not. Do or do not."
| Garcia: You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's office of Supreme Genius. |
Morgan: Hey it's Morgan. I need you to work some magic here. I've got a program called Deadbolt Defence and a girl with only a couple hours to live so what do you know?
Garcia: You've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password.
Morgan: I thought I was calling the office of Supreme Genius.
Garcia: Well gorgeous, you've been re-routed to the office of Too Freakin' Bad.
| Reid: [referring to Gideon] Do you know why he calls me Dr. Reid? |
Hotch: Because they just see you as a kid. He wants them to treat you with respect.
|1x02 - Compulsion|
| Elle: Chemical accelerant could mean chemistry student. |
Reid: It could also mean chemistry professor.
Elle: I say student. You need self-confidence to lecture in front of a classroom full of 30 college kids. Arsonists are socially incompetent. This guy doesn’t go on dates, doesn’t go to parties, doesn’t feel comfortable in front of groups. [Reid looks at Elle] And of course he’s a total psychopath.
Reid: Of course.
| Patrol Guy: You’re one of those FBI guys. A profiler, right? Like, one look at the crime scene you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses. |
Gideon: You’re a bit skeptical.
Patrol Guy: Maybe a little.
Gideon: Your girlfriend thinks you’re going to break up with her.
Patrol Guy: You’re kidding, right?
Gideon: You broke up with her. No more necklace.
Patrol Guy: Yeah, I kinda wanted to date someone else.
Gideon: What's her name?
Patrol Guy: Brian
Gideon: Oh. Well, that's... That's a pretty good reason.
| Garcia: Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, 'Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker?' |
Morgan: Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle?
Garcia: No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor.
Morgan: That's my girl.
| Elle: Well, what is the most sinful place on campus? |
Morgan: Come on Elle, when I was in college it was everywhere.
|Morgan: You know there’s got to be a faster way to do this. How about we just change the first question to ‘have you recently dated a homicidal pyromaniac?’|
|Gideon: No badges. I don’t want to satisfy the unsub’s need for attention by letting him know the FBI is here. Try not to look official. [looks at the team] Try to look less official.|
| Student: Clara, is the building on fire? |
Clara: Not yet.
| Garcia: If I figure it out does it earn me a night of passionate love-making? |
Morgan: Most definitely, Sweetness. With Reid.
|Gideon: You rely too much on precedent, you never allow for the unexpected.|
|1x03 - Won't Get Fooled Again|
| Mrs. Walker: Are you single? |
Mrs. Walker: I have a word of advice. Don’t marry the first guy that proposes.
| Elle: I may have something. Barbara Keller was having some trouble insuring some coins she bought. The insurance company thought they might be fake. |
Hotch: So the insurance company is blowing up annoying clients?
| Morgan: My bomb fragments, let’s start putting this bad boy together. |
Garcia: Why bother, don’t you just dust for prints and...stuff?
Morgan: Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?
Garcia: I didn’t get into medical school.
| [Piecing together the bomb] |
Garcia:: If there was a longer rod it could have fit here and gone all the way through.
[Morgan looks a her in surprise]
|1x04 - Plain Sight|
|Gideon: Finding new ways to hurt each other is what we're good at.|
| Morgan: Why the Tommy Killer? |
Hotch: You know the rock opera? Well, this unsub glues his victim's eyes wide open.
Reid: He wants them to see him.
Gideon: And feel them.
| Hotch: [about Reid] Isn't it amazing he knows what he knows and he's only 24? |
Gideon: Imagine what he'll know by fifty.
|Morgan: [about Reid turning 24] Hey Reid, does this mean your legal now?|
|Morgan: [about Reids birthday cake] Hey JJ, why don't you feed it to him?|
|Elle: [seeing Reid having trouble blowing out the candles] I thought you were full of hot air, Reid.|
|Reid: [to Gideon, after JJ says "Spence, first piece for the birthday boy"] Did you know she's the only person in the whole world who calls me Spence.|
| Morgan: I hate not having a plan. We’re looking for a needle in a haystack. |
Reid: Actually, it’s more like we’re looking for a needle in a pile of needles.
Reid: A needle would stand out in a haystack.
Morgan: [laughs] Okay and we're not looking for someone who stands out?
Reid: No it's more like we're looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles.
| Reid: You should see what comes up when you type "death" into a search engine. |
Morgan: No wonder you can't get a date.
| Reid: Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad? |
Elle: Reid, I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do.
Reid: Do you think that's why I can't get a date?
Elle: Have you ever asked anyone?
Reid: [Reid shifts his eyes] No.
Elle: That's why you can't get a date.
| Gideon: There’s someone else on the plane that’s a huge Skins fan. |
Gideon: The only person in the world who calls you 'Spence.'
Gideon: She's a huge Skins fan.
Reid: ...What should I say?
Gideon: [Looks at Reid]
Reid: [looks down at chess board] Checkmate.
|1x05 - Broken Mirror|
| Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think I do. |
Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you.
Elle: This morning at breakfast.
Hotch: Yesterday when he beat you at cards.
| Mr. Davenport: [talking to Reid] Excuse me c-can you actually read that fast? |
Reid: Our conscious mind can process 16 bits of information per second, our unconscious however can process 11 million.
[Mr. Davenport looks over at Gideon with a questioning look]
Reid: Yes, I can actually read this fast.
| Elle: [regarding Cheryl claiming that she can feel when something is wrong with her twin] You think Cheryl's a wackjob because she says she can feel her sister's anxiety? |
Morgan: I never said wackjob
[Reid walks in]
Reid: Actually there may be a physiological basis for it.. reuniting with her sister.
Morgan: Don't ask.
Reid: Reversed egg symmetry, eggs split late between 9 to 12 days, the DNA matches right down to the last stranded code, there are sporadic documents of shared physiological pain.
Morgan: And you believe it?
Reid: No I'm just saying its possible...
|1x06 - L.D.S.K.|
| Hotch: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan. |
Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.
Hotch: Well I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.
Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine year old girl.
| Reid: I know I should feel bad about what happened. I mean, I killed a man. You know, I should feel something...but I don't. |
Gideon: Not knowing what you feel, that’s not the same as not feeling anything.
| Hotch: You alright? |
Hotch: Nice shot.
Reid: I was aiming for his leg.
| Gideon: This is going to hit you, and when it does, there's only three facts you need to know. You did what you had to do, and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did. |
Reid: What's the third?
Gideon: I'm proud of you.
|1x07 - The Fox|
| JJ: (discussing Hotch's newborn baby) He's so gorgeous. |
Haley: Thank you.
Reid: If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive.
| Reid: Nobody takes therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication. |
Garcia: What are you implying, Reid?
Reid: That everyone is medicated.
Garcia: Did you just make a joke?
Reid: No, I mean, statistics, they-they show it-
Garcia: Reid, next time just say yes.
|Morgan: That's what everybody says until they find the body in the basement.|
|Morgan: You move, I'm gonna break your neck.|
| Reid: Are you hacking into the government HMO database? Is that legal? |
Garcia: Of course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll become someone's *****.
|1x08 - Natural Born Killer|
| Hotch: You were just responding to what you learned Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household.. it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers. |
Vincent: Some people?
Hotch: What's that?
Vincent: You said some people grow up to become killers.
Hotch: ...And some people grow up to catch them.
| [Garcia enters the room with a cardboard box.] |
Derek: Please tell me you brought some breakfast.
Garcia: Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.
|Russo: Look, I don't speak smart ass. So, you got something to say to me?|
| Elle: Here's something...[puts her coffee cup on Garcia's desk]...What can you tell me about Vincent Sartori? |
[Garcia chucks coffee cup in the bin]
Elle: I was still drinking that.
Garcia: Not only is this equipment expensive, it's also extremely sensitive.
[Spencer and Elle share a weird look]
| [Elle is speaking about a criminal's sealed records] |
Elle: Can you get into those records?
Spencer: Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, she can find the faintest echo of deletion, successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts.
[Elle and Garcia share a weird look]
Elle: We can make bail.
|1x09 - Derailed|
| Reid: Tardive Dyskinesia|
Morgan: Once more for those without an encyclopedic memory?
| Morgan: And remember, play into the guy's fantasy, believe it yourself. |
Reid: Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been secretly recruited to implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.
|Reid: Could at least one of you look like you're going to see me again?|
| Morgan: Come on, Reid, what are you talking about, a magic trick? |
Reid: Yeah I'm talkin' about a magic trick!
| Elle: Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital? |
Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You all right?
Elle: I'm fine, Dad.
Gideon: Don't ever call me Dad again.
[Gideon walks away]
Elle: I wonder how he'd feel about Mom?
Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can, uh, run.
| Elle: Um, Reid you probably saved my life in there. |
Reid: Probably? I totally saved your life. And I'm pretty certain it's caught on tape.
|1x10 - The Popular Kids|
| Morgan: So tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at all the Physics mistakes? |
Reid: Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.
|Gideon: [after finding out the local kids found a dead body in the woods and watched it decompose over a long period of time without reporting anything] This was a human being!|
|1x11 - Blood Hungry|
| Gideon: Garcia? |
Hotch: Penelope...? The tech with the glasses...?
Gideon: The room...the one with all the screens...? [Hotchner nods] She's great.
| [Morgan walks in and startles Elle] |
Morgan: Dude? You're way too tense.
| Hotch: How is it having Gideon around? |
Garcia: You can have him back whenever you would like.
|Hotch: Sometimes what we don't do is every bit as powerful as what we do.|
|1x12 - What Fresh Hell?|
| Journalist: Come on, JJ. Gimme something. For old times sake. |
JJ: [sighs] Okay... [looks around, steps closer, whispers]) You may wanna rethink that tie.
| Gideon: Hey Hotch, did you send flowers to that tech room girl Garcia and say they were from me? |
Hotch: Jason, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that.
Gideon: I already sent her a gift, an MP3 player. It lasts longer unless you drop it or the batteries die, whichever comes first.
Hotch: So she got two gifts?
Gideon: What if she thinks I'm sweet on her!
|1x13 - Poison|
|1x14 - Riding the Lightning|
|1x15 - Unfinished Business|
| Reid: What do you think of Ryan? |
Hotch: He hasn't changed much.
Reid: I think we can learn a lot from him.
Hotch: What could you possibly learn that you don't already know?
Reid: Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death knell for the brain. For complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key.
| Ryan: [reading second note] In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present. |
Gideon: He's quoting Sir Francis Bacon now.
Ryan: I used this specific quote in my...
Reid: In your book on page 184. I read it on the plane.
Ryan: And you remember the page number and the quote?
Morgan: Don't ask.
| Morgan: So they've been here all night? |
Elle: Where else would any of us be on a Saturday night? It's not like we have lives or anything.
Morgan: Speak for yourself.
| Ryan: Miss me? |
Ryan: Just here to buy a book then, huh?
Gideon: What can I say? Profilers, they fascinate me.
|Gideon: Norman Maclean wrote, "It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us."|
| Gideon: Hmm...You look comfortable up there. Why don't you come back to the BAU for a guest lecture? |
Ryan: I'm retired, remember?
Gideon: Hell of a way to relax, 323 pages on the one that got away.
Ryan: He hasn't gotten away - and you didn't count that eight page prologue.
|1x16 - The Tribe|
|Blackwolf: [to Gideon] You look like a college professor. [to Reid] You look like his student. [to Hotchner] You, you look like FBI.|
| Blackwolf: We don't do massacres. You do. |
Hotch: Me personally?
Blackwolf: Your government.
| Officer: Are you trying to tell us that Indians wouldn’t be so brutal? |
Blackwolf: No, I’m saying that Indians wouldn’t be so confused.
| Hotch: This is a surprise. Haven’t cut your hair since Thanksgiving. |
Sean: That’s what you said at Christmas.
| Sean: You saying that I can't take care of myself? |
Hotch: No. This is my way of saying that I'm a jackass.
Sean: I guess it's hereditary.
| JJ: That’s Hotch’s brother? I don’t see it. |
Hotch: Sean, listen to me. All I’m saying is that you’re 25 years old.
Sean: You know what? Don’t profile me Aaron. [storms away]
JJ: Now I see it.
| Elle: Brother, as in that’s Hotch’s brother? |
Garcia: Maybe Hotch is adopted?
| Gideon: Are the Ga'he good spirits or bad spirits? |
Blackwolf: They're both. Like men.
| Blackwolf: Samuel, tell the men from the FBI who the Ga'he are. |
Reid: The Ga'he are mighty spirits who dwell in desert caves.
Hotch: Reid, is your name Samuel?
| Reid: She's answering every question with just her name and Social Security Number. |
Hotch: Like a prisoner of war.
| Gideon: The children? |
Hotch: Fine, we got them out before they got here. We took down these four.
Reid: Without firing a shot?
Blackwolf: Captain America here shot number 5.
Hotch: You’re welcome.
| Blackwolf: I have other options besides shooting a man. |
Reid: Like negotiating.
Blackwolf: Like running.
| Blackwolf: There are many paths to the same place. Trust me. |
Hotch: Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie.
|1x17 - A Real Rain|
Morgan: Do you have any idea how many cases run through there every year?
| Hotch: You’re a genius. |
Garcia: You’re just saying that ‘cause it’s true.
| Reid: I'd like to see New York. |
Morgan: You've never been to New York?
Reid: We've never had an unsub there.
Hotch: [to Gideon] I thought you were going to talk to Reid about taking some vacation time.
Gideon: What's vacation time?
| Elle: You guys, we're here in New York and even when we aren't talking about our case we end up talking about another profiler. |
Hotch: You’re right. So Elle, you seeing anyone?
| Reid: [to the waitress, after having difficulty with his chopsticks] Excuse me, could I get a fork perhaps? [group laughs] Did you know that experts credit Confucius with the advent of the chopstick. He equated knives with acts of aggression. |
Morgan: You don't know how to use them, do ya?
Reid: It's like trying to forage for dinner with a pair of number two pencils. It’s absolutely incredible, 1.3 billion people stay nourished because of these things.
|Officer: So are we looking for an ex-con or some nut job with an Amazon account?|
|Female Officer: [after hearing the unsub's profile] So we're looking for a small, angry, white guy with a day job?|
| Hotch: Ok, here's what we know. Blitz attackers are almost always male. |
Morgan: Well, he got picked up in the pouring rain by a New York cabbie, so we definitely know he's not a brother.
|1x18 - Somebody's Watching|
| Reid: Gideon, there are actually people taking photos of us from the next yard. |
Detective Owen Kim: Welcome to LA.
| [Reid is trying unsuccessfully to convince Lila to come out of her swimming pool] |
Lila: Really, Spencer, you should live a little.
Reid: Live a little? I've known you for 48 hours and I feel like I've aged 10 years!
|Garcia: [answering phone] Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear truth.|
| Morgan: [mimicking Lila after she shares Reid's drink] You don't mind sharing with me, do ya? |
Reid: (almost chocking on his soda) Shut up. [turns and walks away]
Morgan: Go get 'em, lover.
| [The artist has just mentioned that she thinks her picture is boring] |
Gideon: Oh, I don't think so. I mean nothing's just a picture. If viewed correctly--whatever that means--one can see world views, obsessions, manifestations of the subconscious.
| Gideon: We're leaving. |
Reid: We're still looking at the exhibit.
Gideon: Now. [Reid turns to Lila and back to Gideon] Now. Now.
Reid: I guess we're leaving.
Gideon: Reid, now.
|Parker Dunley: Spencer. Spencer Reid. Dude, dude. Look at you. You look just the same. Look at you dude, nothing’s changed. [to Gideon] Spencer was the only twelve year old in our graduating class. [to Reid again] Just the same.|
| Reid: Do I look twelve years old to you? |
|1x19 - Machismo|
| Haley: Go, it’s all right. I’m not mad. [walks away] |
Hotch: You heard her. She said it was alright.
Jessica: You’re one hell of a profiler.
| Jessica: You’re holding him like a cantaloupe. |
Hotch: Why? You think you can do better? Here you go, smartypants.
[Baby quiets down in her arms]
Hotch: Fine. Let’s see you profile a disorganized psychopath.
| Morgan: Nothing like jet sleep, right? |
Elle: Yeah, kind of like a night of drinking without the drinking.
| [Garcia rattles off some bad Spanish] |
Morgan: Easy there, Garcia. I think you just offended somebody’s mother.
Garcia: Shut up you. I took French. What can I say?
Morgan: Penelope, your last name is Garcia.
Garcia: Yeah, I know. It’s my stepfather’s name. Do you want my genius or not?
| JJ: At least you get to spend your birthday weekend in Mexico. |
Hotch: How do you say 'doghouse' in Spanish?
Reid: La ca-sa del pair-o
Elle: La casita del perro.
Reid: That's what I said
Elle: Face it chico, you, are only a genius in English
| Elle: [upon seeing the skeleton] Hotch! |
Hotch: A little late.
|Hotch: Serial killers make lousy tourist attractions.|
|Gideon: In my experience, evil is not a cultural phenomenon - it's a human one.|
|1x20 - Charm and Harm|
| Morgan: Why are you acting so weird? |
Elle: We're sitting with a guy who knows that there are 800 kernels of corn on the average cob...
Reid: ...Arranged in 16 separate rows.
Elle: And you're calling me weird?
|Gideon: [after finding Gregory's fake IDs] Look at all these driver's licenses, he could start his own DMV.|
| Garcia: Aaron, do you have any idea how many people drown every day? |
Hotch: Well, yeah. They’re more in the summer for obvious reasons, but I think it averages to about 6500 a year, which is... 17 a day?
Garcia: Is this Reid?
| [Elle's phone rings] |
Morgan: Aww, that must be the boyfriend.
Elle: Yes, it is. [answers phone] Hey, Gideon.
| Doug Gregory: Are you telling me that young boys aren’t curious? |
Gideon: Sure, they’re curious, but not all peek into windows.
| Elle: You really don't know someone till you take a road trip with them. |
Morgan: What are you trying to say?
Elle: Look at this car, man. There's empty soda cans and fast food wrappers everywhere. You're a slob. You know, back at Quantico your desk was all neat, but I bet if you looked in those drawers you'd find a mess.
Morgan: Okay, we have been on the road way too long.
| Reid: How old was he when this happened? |
Doug Gregory: Ten.
Reid: Were they close?
Doug Gregory: She was his mother!
|1x21 - Secrets and Lies|
|Gideon: Only beach you’ll see is on a postcard I send you from my vacation.|
| JJ: What do you suppose this is about? |
Reid: Call me cynical, but considering it's 2 a.m., I doubt it's good news.
JJ: You are a genius.
| Elle: [to Gideon] You said you would send a postcard from a beach. You lied. |
Reid: Yeah. You hate the beach.
|Gideon: One thing I've learned over the years profiling CIA agents, spies are some of the smartest liars in the world. Be smarter.|
| Garcia: Hey, you know what this means? We can find out if Princess Diana's death really was accidental! |
JJ: I think this is exactly what got you on the list.
|Reid: [after learning the CIA staged the victim's suicide] Boy, I'm glad not to have that job.|
|1x22 - The Fisher King (Part 1)|
| Morgan: [about Reid] He look OK to you? |
Elle: He looks about the way I would if I was gonna spend two weeks with my family.
| JJ: [about the incredible Sir Kneighf] Please don’t tell me you have a crush on a fictional character. |
Garcia: He’s not fictional. He’s the online alter-ego of a real person.
JJ: Hmmm, you don’t even know anything about him, even if it is…him.
Garcia: Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting during which time I have his undivided attention and he lavishes me with flattery. When was the last time you had a date go that well?
JJ: See if he’s got a fictional brother.
| Morgan: Well, you alright there, Greenaway? |
Elle: Go away.
Morgan: See you tomorrow?
Elle: Don't speak.
|Elle: [after Reid explains the medieval significance of the word "non"] Reid, do not ever go away again!|
| Jamaican Cop: Where is the victim’s head? |
Elle: Well, I must have dropped it on my way in here.
| Killer: [on videotape] You will understand why it must be this way. You may even thank me. |
Elle: Don't hold your breath, scumbag.
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