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1x01 "Extreme Aggressor"
Hotch: This is Special Agent Gideon, Special Agent Morgan, our expert on obsessional crimes, Special Agent Reid.
Gideon: (clarifying) Doctor Reid.
Hotchner: Dr. Reid, our expert on, well, everything, and after two years busting my butt in this office, I hope you remember me.
Hotch: I'm Agent Hotchner. This is Special Agent Dr. Reid.
Woodland: You look too young to have gone to medical school.
Reid: They're Ph.D.s. - three of them.
Woodland: Are you a genius or something?
Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute -(Strange look of Woodland) yes, I'm a genius.
Morgan: Reid, you good with this? We got a woman who’s only got a few hours left to live, an incomplete profile, and a unit chief on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Gideon: (re-entering the room) They don’t call them nervous breakdowns anymore.
Reid: It's called a major depressive episode.
Morgan: I know, Reid
Morgan (to Elle) Next time, show a little leg.
Elle: There could be an email or a journal in the computer, something that tells us where Heather is. Do you think you can break in?
Morgan: In six drives?
Gideon: "Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
Reid: (nods) Samuel Beckett.
Morgan: "Try not. Do or do not."
(Gideon looks at Reid as he doesn't know the quote)
Garcia: (on the phone) You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's Office of Supreme Genius.
Morgan: Hey, it's Morgan. Need you to work me some magic here. I got a program called Deadbolt Defense and a girl with only a couple of hours to live, so what do you know?
Garcia: Then you gotta problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password.
Morgan: I thought I was calling the Office of Supreme Genius.
Garcia: Well, gorgeous, you've been rerouted to the Office of Too Friggin' Bad.
Morgan: So what kind of report do they want on him?
Hotch: I suppose whether he's fit to be a field agent. You know, Haley and I were looking at a baby names book. Well, guess what Gideon means in Hebrew.
Reid: (passes by and hears the question) Mighty warrior. Appropriate.
Gideon: No badges. I don’t want to satisfy the unsub’s need for attention by letting him know the FBI is here. Try not to look official. (looks at the team) Try to look less official.
Elle: Chemical accelerant could mean chemistry student.
Reid: It could also mean chemistry professor.
Elle: I say student. You need self-confidence to lecture in front of a classroom full of
30 college kids. Arsonists are socially incompetent. This guy doesn’t go on dates, doesn’t go to parties, doesn’t feel comfortable in front of groups. [Reid looks at Elle] And of course he’s a total psychopath.
Reid: Of course.
Campus Patrol Boy: You're one of those FBI guys. Um, like a profiler, right? Like, one look at a crime scene, you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses?
Gideon: You sound skeptical.
Campus Patrol Boy: (smiles) Uh, maybe a little. (He grabs his necklace and plays with it)
Gideon: Your girlfriend thinks you're going to break up with her.
Campus Patrol Boy: You're kidding, right?
Gideon: You broke up with her. No more necklace.
Campus Patrol Boy: Yeah, I kinda wanna date someone else.
Gideon: What's her name?
Campus Patrol Boy: Brian.
Gideon: Oh, well, that's.....that's a pretty good reason. Did she take it all right?
Campus Patrol Boy: Yeah. Yeah, other than telling me that homosexuality is a sin, and that I'm going to incur the wrath of God.
Morgan: Look, we need as close to the real voice as you can get, and anything that might be in the background. Can you do it?
Garcia: Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asks McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker"?
Morgan: Hey, what are you telling me, not to expect a miracle?
Garcia: No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor.
Morgan: (laughs) That's my girl.
Morgan: You know there’s got to be a faster way to do this. How about we just change the first question to ‘have you recently dated a homicidal pyromaniac?’
Garcia: If I figure it out does it earn me a night of passionate love-making?
Morgan: Most definitely, Sweetness. With Reid.
Elle: What... what is the most sinful place on campus?
Morgan: Come on, Elle, when I was in college, it was everywhere.
Morgan: Oh My God
1x03 "Won't Get Fooled Again"
Morgan: These are my bomb fragments. We can start putting this bad boy together.
Garcia: Why bother? Don't you just look at the pieces for prints and stuff?
Morgan: Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?
Garcia: I didn't get into medical school?
Morgan: Why does that not surprise me?
(Morgan and Garcia try piecing together the bomb)
Garcia: If there was another piece like this ...
(She picks up a pencil)
Morgan: No, I tried that. It doesn't fit.
Garcia: No, it could have been part of a longer rod that fit through the top and went all the way through.
(She pokes the pencil into a crack in the bomb sample. Morgan looks at what she's done, then looks at Garcia.)
Hotch: I spent a good chunk of my childhood looking for a 1944 penny worth thousands. (Elle stares at him)
Hotch: Yes, I was a little bit of a nerd. Is that so surprising?
Elle: Not to me.
Elle: I may have something. Barbara Keller was having some trouble insuring some coins she bought. The insurance company thought they might be fake.
Hotchner: So the insurance company is blowing up annoying clients?
Garcia: Office of Supreme Genius Puzzle solver. Do you have a riddle for me?
Reid: (over phone) I found out that Bale has been accessing the Internet by getting around a fire wall that is set up on a prison library computer. This guy even has an e-mail address.
Garcia: Wow. Sneaky bastard.
Mrs. Walker: Are you single?
Mrs. Walker: I have a word of advice. Don’t marry the first guy that proposes.
(Garcia is about to take a bite of her sandwich)
Morgan: You ready to do a little work?
Garcia: (lays sandwich down) Why not? I haven't slept all week. I might as well give up eating too.
Morgan: Aww poor baby, don't let the tears hit the papers or they will be all messy.
1x04 "Plain Sight"
Hotchner: [about Reid] Isn't it amazing he knows what he knows and he's only 24?
Gideon: Imagine what he'll know by fifty.
Elle: [seeing Reid having trouble blowing out the candles] I thought you were full of hot air, Reid.
Reid: [to Gideon, about JJ] Do you know she's the only person in the whole world who calls me "Spence"?
Morgan: God, I hate not having a plan. We’re looking for a needle in a haystack.
Reid: Actually, it’s more like we’re looking for a needle in a pile of needles.
Reid: A needle would stand out in a haystack.
Morgan: (chuckles) Okay. And we're not looking for someone who stands out?
Reid: No. We're looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles.
Reid: You should see what comes up when you type "death" into a search engine.
Morgan: No wonder you can't find a date.
Reid: Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad?
Elle: Reid, I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do.
Reid: Do you think that's why I can't get a date?
Elle: Have you ever asked anyone?
Reid: [Reid shifts his eyes] No.
Elle: That's why you can't get a date.
Gideon: There’s someone else on the plane that’s a huge Skins fan.
Gideon: The only person in the world who calls you 'Spence.'
Garcia: Office of Unfettered Omniscience. Penelope Garcia is in. Speak, oh fortunate one.
Elle: Garcia, it's Elle. Can you get into the phone repair records in San Diego?
Garcia: Sunshine, I can run CentCom from here and still participate in simultaneous Tetris tournaments.
1x05 "Broken Mirror"
Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think I do.
Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you.
Elle: This morning at breakfast.
Hotchner: Yesterday when he beat you at cards.
Mr. Davenport: [talking to Reid] Excuse me c-can you actually read that fast?
Reid: Our conscious mind can process 16 bits of information per second, our unconscious however can process 11 million. [Mr. Davenport looks over at Gideon with a questioning look] Yes, I, I really can read this fast.
Hotchner: Nice shot
Reid: I was aiming for his leg
Hotchner: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan.
Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.
Hotchner: Well I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.
Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine year old girl.
Reid: I know I should feel bad about what happened. I mean, I killed a man. You know, I should feel something...but I don't.
Gideon: Not knowing what you feel, that’s not the same as not feeling anything.
Reid: What's the third?
Gideon: I'm proud of you.
(Garcia calls Morgan on his cell phone)
Morgan: Yeah, Morgan
Garcia: Isn't this spooky
Morgan: Isn't what spooky?
Garcia: That right now you were thinking about me, and out of the blue your phone rings and it's me. Huh? How's that for a spiritual connection?
Morgan: Umm. Do I know you?
Garcia: Why do you hurt me?
1x07 "The Fox"
Derek: You move, I will break your neck.
Reid: Are you hacking into the government HMO database? Is that legal?
Garcia: Of course not. We'll go to prison and you'll be someone's *****.
1x08 "Natural Born Killer"
Hotchner: You were just responding to what you learned Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household.. it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers.
Vincent: Some people?
Hotchner: What's that?
Vincent: You said some people grow up to become killers.
Hotchner: ...And some people grow up to catch them.
[Garcia enters the room with a cardboard box.]
Derek: Please tell me you brought some breakfast.
Garcia: Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.
Russo: Look, I don't speak smart ass. So, you got something to say to me?
Gideon: Carl Jung said, "The healthy man does not torture others. Generally, it is the tortured who turn into torturers.”
Elle: Here's something...[puts her coffee cup on Garcia's desk]...What can you tell me about Vincent Sartori?
[Garcia chucks coffee cup in the bin]
Elle: I was still drinking that.
Garcia: Not only is this equipment expensive, it's also extremely sensitive.
[Spencer and Elle share a weird look]
[Elle is speaking about a criminal's sealed records]
Elle: Can you get into those records?
Spencer: Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, she can find the faintest echo of deletion, successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts.
[Elle and Garcia share a look]
Elle: We can make bail.
Garcia: You're breathing on my neck.
Reid: I'm sorry. Sorry.
Elle: You two having fun?
Garcia: Oh, yeah. Sifting through the life and times of Freddy Condore with Dr. Reid here is a party I wouldn’t want to miss.
Reid: Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been secretly recruited to implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.
Reid: Could at least one of you look like you're going to see me again?
Morgan: Come on, Reid, what are you talking about, a magic trick?
Reid: Yeah I'm talkin' about a magic trick.
Elle: Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?
Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You all right?
Elle: I'm fine, Dad.
Gideon: Don't ever call me Dad again.
[Gideon walks away]
Elle: I wonder how he'd feel about Mom?
Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can, uh, run.
Elle: Um, Reid? You probably saved my life in there.
Reid: Probably? I totally saved your life. And I'm pretty certain it's caught on tape.
1x10 "The Popular Kids"
Morgan: So tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at all the Physics mistakes?
Reid: Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.
1x11 "Blood Hungry"
Hotchner: Penelope...? The tech with the glasses...?
Gideon: The room...the one with all the screens...? [Hotchner nods] She's great.
[Morgan walks in and startles Elle]
Morgan: Dude? You're way too tense.
Hotchner: How is it having Gideon around?
Garcia: You can have him back whenever you would like.
Hotchner: Sometimes what we don't do is every bit as powerful as what we do.
1x12 "What Fresh Hell"
Journalist: Come on, JJ. Gimme something. For old times sake.
JJ: [sighs] Okay... [looks around, steps closer, whispers] You may wanna rethink that tie.
Garcia: (answering the phone) Penelope Garcia’s house of how may I save your ass today.
Gideon: Hey Hotch, did you send flowers to that tech room girl Garcia and say they were from me?
Hotchner: Jason, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that.
Gideon: I already sent her a gift, an MP3 player. It lasts longer unless you drop it or the batteries die, whichever comes first.
Hotchner: So she got two gifts?
Gideon: What if she thinks I'm sweet on her!
Gideon: Mr. Fisher?
Eric Fisher: Shrink or cop?
Gideon: Well, I’m an FBI profiler, so I guess I’m a little of each.
1x14 "Riding the Lightning"
Hotchner: How many others are there?
Jacob Dawes: I only have a few hours left and, though I like you – and I do like you – I’d like to be alone now. (puts out his hand) Good meeting you, Hotch.
Hotchner: (ignoring his hand) I’m not done yet.
Jacob Dawes: Oh, me neither
Warden: Any last words?
Jacob Dawes: Bring it on.
(Garcia doesn't want to meet the Dawes)
Garcia: They slaughtered 13 young girls with blond hair, (points to self) HELLO!
(JJ enters the room where Hotch is speaking with Jacob)
Jacob: Oooh, you!
JJ: My friends call me JJ...
Jacob: Well...hello JJ!
JJ: You're not my friend: you can call me Jennifer.
1x15 "Unfinished Business"
Reid: What do you think of Ryan?
Hotchner: He hasn't changed much.
Reid: I think we can learn a lot from him.
Hotchner: What could you possibly learn that you don't already know?
Reid: Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death knell for the brain. For complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key.
Ryan: [reading second note] In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.
Gideon: He's quoting Sir Francis Bacon now.
Ryan: I used this specific quote in my...
Reid: In your book on page 184. I read it on the plane.
Ryan: And you remember the page number and the quote?
Morgan: Don't ask.
Morgan: So they've been here all night?
Elle: Where else would any of us be on a Saturday night? It's not like we have lives or anything.
Morgan: Speak for yourself.
Ryan: Miss me?
Ryan: Just here to buy a book then, huh?
Gideon: What can I say? Profilers, they fascinate me.
Gideon: Hmm...You look comfortable up there. Why don't you come back to the BAU for a guest lecture?
Ryan: I'm retired, remember?
Gideon: Hell of a way to relax, 323 pages on the one that got away.
Ryan: He hasn't gotten away - and you didn't count that eight page prologue.
1.16 "The Tribe"
Blackwolf: [to Gideon] You look like a college professor. [to Reid] You look like his student. [to Hotchner] You look like FBI.
Blackwolf: We don't do massacres. You do.
Hotchner: Me personally?
Blackwolf: Your government.
Officer: Are you trying to tell us that Indians wouldn’t be so brutal?
Blackwolf: No, I’m saying that Indians wouldn’t be so confused.
Hotchner: This is a surprise. Haven’t cut your hair since Thanksgiving.
Sean: That’s what you said at Christmas.
Sean: You saying that I can't take care of myself?
Hotchner: No. This is my way of saying that I'm a jackass.
Sean: I guess it's hereditary.
JJ: That’s Hotch’s brother? I don’t see it.
Hotch: Sean, listen to me. All I’m saying is that you’re 25 years old.
Sean: You know what? Don’t profile me Aaron. [storms away]
JJ: Now I see it.
Elle: Brother…as in that’s Hotch’s brother?
Garcia: Maybe Hotch is adopted?
Gideon: Are the Ga'he good spirits or bad spirits?
Blackwolf: They're both. Like men.
Blackwolf: Samuel, tell the men from the FBI who the Ga'he are.
Reid: The Ga'he are mighty spirits who dwell in desert caves.
Hotchner: Reid, is your name Samuel?
Hotchner: Fine, we got them out before they got here. We took down these four.
Reid: Without firing a shot?
Blackwolf: Captain America here shot number 5.
Hotchner: You’re welcome.
Blackwolf: I have other options besides shooting a man.
Reid: Like negotiating?
Blackwolf: Like running.
Blackwolf: There are many paths to the same place. Trust me.
Hotchner: Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie.
1x17 "A Real Rain"
Morgan: Do you have any idea how many cases run through there every year?
Hotchner: You’re a genius.
Garcia: You’re just saying that ‘cause it’s true.
Reid: I'd like to see New York.
Morgan: You've never been to New York?
Reid: We've never had an unsub there.
Hotchner: [to Gideon] I thought you were going to talk to Reid about taking some vacation time.
Gideon: What's vacation time?
Elle: You guys, we're here in New York and even when we aren't talking about our case we end up talking about another profiler.
Hotchner: You’re right. So Elle, you seeing anyone?
Reid: [to the waitress, after having difficulty with his chopsticks] Excuse me, could I get a fork perhaps? [group laughs] Did you know that experts credit Confucius with the advent of the chopstick. He equated knives with acts of aggression.
Morgan: You don't know how to use them, do ya?
Reid: It's like trying to forage for dinner with a pair of number two pencils. It’s absolutely incredible, 1.3 billion people stay nourished because of these things.
Officer: So are we looking for an ex-con or some nut job with an Amazon account?
Female Officer: [after hearing the unsub's profile] So we're looking for a small, angry, white guy with a day job?
Hotchner: Ok, here's what we know. Blitz attackers are almost always male.
Morgan: Well, he got picked up in the pouring rain by a New York cabbie, so we definitely know he's not a brother.
1x18 "Somebody's Watching"
Reid: Gideon, there are actually people taking photos of us from the next yard.
Detective Owen Kim: Welcome to LA.
[Reid is trying unsuccessfully to convince Lila to come out of her swimming pool]
Lila: Really, Spencer, you should live a little.
Reid: Live a little? I've known you for 48 hours and I feel like I've aged 10 years!
Garcia: [answering phone] Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear truth.
Morgan: [mimicking Lila after she shares Reid's drink] You don't mind sharing with me, do ya?
Reid: Shut up. [turns and walks away]
Morgan: Go get 'em, lover.
[The artist has just mentioned that she thinks her picture is boring]
Gideon: Oh, I don't think so. I mean nothing's just a picture. If viewed correctly--whatever that means--one can see world views, obsessions, manifestations of the subconscious.
Gideon: We're leaving.
Reid: We're still looking at the exhibit.
Gideon: Now. [Reid turns to Lila and back to Gideon] Now. Now.
Reid: I guess we're leaving.
Gideon: Reid, now.
Parker Dunley: Spencer. Spencer Reid. Dude, dude. Look at you. You look just the same. Look at you dude, nothing’s changed. [to Gideon] Spencer was the only twelve year old in our graduating class. [to Reid again] Just the same.
Haley: Go, it’s all right. I’m not mad. [walks away]
Hotchner: You heard her. She said it was all right.
Jessica: You’re one hell of a profiler.
Jessica: You’re holding him like a cantaloupe.
Hotchner: Why? You think you can do better? Here you go, smartypants.
[Baby quiets down in her arms]
Hotchner: Fine. Let’s see you profile a disorganized psychopath.
Morgan: Nothing like jet sleep, right?
Elle: Yeah, kind of like a night of drinking without the drinking.
[Garcia rattles off some bad Spanish]
Morgan: Easy there, Garcia. I think you just offended somebody’s mother.
Garcia: Shut up you. I took French. What can I say?
Morgan: Penelope, your last name is Garcia.
Garcia: Yeah, I know. It’s my stepfather’s name. Do you want my genius or not?
Elle: [to Reid, regarding his bad Spanish pronunciation] Face it chico, you are only a genius in English!
Elle: [upon seeing the skeleton] Hotch!
Hotchner: A little late.
Hotchner: Serial killers make lousy tourist attractions.
JJ: At least you get to spend your birthday weekend in Mexico.
Hotchner: Yeah, what's 'doghouse' in Spanish?
1x20 "Charm & Harm"
Gideon: The author François de la Rochefoucauld wrote, "We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."
Morgan: Why are you acting so weird?
Elle: We're sitting with a guy who knows that there are 800 kernels of corn on the average cob...
Reid: ...Arranged in 16 separate rows.
Elle: And you're calling me weird?
Gideon: [after finding Gregory's fake IDs] Look at all these driver's licenses, he could start his own DMV.
[Elle's phone rings]
Morgan: Aww, that must be the boyfriend. [Grinning]
Elle: Yes, it is. [answers phone] Hey, Gideon.[Morgan's grin disappears]
Elle: You really don't know someone till you take a road trip with them.
Morgan: What are you trying to say?
Elle: Look at this car, man. There's empty soda cans and fast food wrappers everywhere. You're a slob. You know, back at Quantico your desk was all neat, but I bet if you looked in those drawers you'd find a mess.
Morgan: Okay, we have been on the road way too long.
Doug Gregory: Are you telling me that young boys aren’t curious?
Gideon: Sure, they’re curious, but not all peek into windows.
Reid: How old was he when this happened?
Doug Gregory: Ten.
Reid: Were they close?
Doug Gregory: She was his mother!
Garcia: Aaron, do you have any idea how many people drown every day?
Hotchner: Well, yeah. They’re more in the summer for obvious reasons, but I think it averages to about 6500 a year, which is... 17 a day?
Garcia: Is this Reid?
1x21 "Secrets and Lies"
Gideon: Only beach you’ll see is on a postcard I send you from my vacation.
[After Bruno stops Gideon from taking the phone]
Gideon: Do you want my help?
Gideon: [Reaches for the phone] Then I need my team.
JJ: What do you suppose this is about?
Reid: Call me cynical, but considering it's 2 a.m., I doubt it's good news.
JJ: You are a genius.
Elle: [to Gideon] You said you would send a postcard from a beach. You lied.
Reid: Yeah. You hate the beach.
Gideon: One thing I've learned over the years profiling CIA agents, spies are some of the smartest liars in the world. Be smarter.
Garcia: Do I look like a threat to national security to you? Seriously?
CIA Agent: You’re on a list.
Garcia: You do know what this means.
Garcia: We’ll be able to find out whether Princess Diana's death was really an accident!
JJ: I think that’s exactly the kind of thing that got you on their list.
Reid: [after learning the CIA staged the victim's suicide] How'd you like to have that job?
JJ: What are you doing?
Garcia: (working frantically on her computer) Looking for Prince William’s phone number. The CIA is bound to have it.
1x22 "The Fisher King" (Part 1)
Gideon: Writer Elbert Hubbard said, "No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one."
Morgan: [about Reid] He look OK to you?
Elle: He looks about the way I would if I was gonna spend two weeks with my family.
JJ: [about the incredible Sir Kneighf] Please don’t tell me you have a crush on a fictional character.
Garcia: He’s not fictional. He’s the online alter-ego of a real person.
JJ: Hmmm, you don’t even know anything about him, even if it is…him.
Garcia: Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting during which time I have his undivided attention and he lavishes me with flattery. When was the last time you had a date go that well?
JJ: See if he’s got a fictional brother.
Morgan: Garcia, I need a run down on a name.
Garcia: The information Super Highway is closed.
Morgan: What are you talking about?
Garcia: Someone had the nerve to run a black hack op into my computer, Morgan, they hacked me, k? But you can bet your sweet ass I will find them. I’ve got honey put farms hidden behind UML card hold data packets and a first generation honey net I personally programmed. My snort log lists, every visitor, every server request ever made, every key stroke of this entire network. If I have to back hack his IP all the way to the friggin Stone Age I will find this son of a *****; K, So bye.
Elle: [after Reid explains the medieval significance of the word "non"] Reid, do not ever go away again!
Jamaican Cop: Where is the victim’s head?
Elle: Well, I must have dropped it on my way in here.
Killer: [on videotape] You will understand why it must be this way. You may even thank me.
Elle: Don't hold your breath, scumbag.
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