Season 4 Funny quotes/momentsThis is a featured page

4x01 "Mayhem"

Garcia:
Morgan?
Morgan: Yeah baby?
Garcia: You sound stressed.
Morgan: Do I?
Garcia: Where are you?
Morgan: Not where I want to be right now.

----
Morgan: Garcia...I'll tell you what you are to me. You're my god-given solace. Woman, you promise me one thing; whatever happens...don't you ever stop talking to me
Garcia: I can't right now cause I'm mad at you
Morgan: I can wait.
----
Cooper: I'm telling you, we might get caught
Brustin: Come on kid, we're cops
Prentiss: Smoking in a hospital is a federal offense.
Brustin: You're on your own, kid.
----
Prentiss: So I see the wife and kids came for a visit.
Cooper: Mhm...
Prentiss: Have you told them you've started smoking again?
Cooper: Gimme a break, I just got shot.
----
Cooper: Now I'm standing in front of a beautiful woman in this ridiculous garb, with an IV and a catheter connected to my...skiddely-bob
----
Morgan: Ah, I got it. I'm your ride.
Hotch: I thought Agent Davis was driving me
Morgan: She was. I had her reassigned.
Hotch: Don't you have something better to do?
Morgan: Than to annoy you for three hours? Hell no.

4x02 "The Angel Maker"

Hotch: But you'll sign my return to duty?
Doctor: .....
Hotch: What if I said I'd....take it easy? Limit my role in the field?
Doctor: Stay out of loud places.
[Hotch's phone begins to ring, Hotch can't hear it]
Doctor: Your phone is ringing...
----
Reid: Staging of the body, face-up with the arms across the chest like that...
Morgan: Ritual. Nice hair by the way.
Reid: Thanks.
----
Rossi: They have parachutes on board, right?
Reid: They should, it's standard on all federal air transport.
Rossi: Maybe we could give one to the elephant in the room, get him out of here.
Morgan: That would be the elephant with the dead man's DNA.
----
Reid: Think about who shares the exact same DNA makeup of another person.
Morgan: Reid, you're not seriously floating around the idea of an 'evil twin' are you?
Reid: No, I'm not, I'm floating the idea of an eviler twin. Traditionally, the concept is of a good twin and an evil twin. But in this case, its evil twin...eviler twin!
Whole team: [stares confused]
----
Morgan: That's a lot of letters
Prison Warden: A lot of fans. Real lady killer.
----
Prison Warden: What kind of DNA we talkin' about?
Morgan: The kind of DNA that cats in lockup don't have occasion to use.
----
Rossi: The grave robbing, we can explain. Has to be a fan.
Sheriff: You think the same person who did the copycat murder took Ryan's body?
Hotch: It's possible, he had to have help.
Rossi: Someone on the inside.
Sheriff: I suppose you're going to tell me there's a cottage industry for that too.
----
Garcia: Did you know that John Wayne Gacy painted clowns? A murdering ********* paints clowns, and people hang them on their walls. It's creepy on so many levels. I mean clowns.
Morgan: Garcia, I didn't know you had that hang up.
Prentiss: Coulrophobia, abnormal fear of clowns.
Garcia: Oh no, there's nothing abnormal about it. When I was twelve, a hobo clown groped my breasts at a birthday party. And made this old-timey honking noise when he did it. Apparently making it funny makes it ok.
----
Prentiss: Hey, do you ever get groupies at your book signing?
Rossi: Sometimes, if Barry Manilow isn't in town.
Prentiss: Any of them look like that? Shara Carlino, she visited Ryan over seventy times.
Rossi: That's an average of three hours for a ten hour visit, mandatory strip search. Would you endure that for a guy?
Prentiss: For Barry Manilow, maybe.
----
Rossi: You have to try to write this bad
Reid: I think he did, he tried very hard to put each word, each letter even in the right order.
Rossi: So it's a code
Reid: This steganographic method would allow him to write letters that don't appear in cipher. The real message would be hiding in plain sight.
Rossi: What do you need to crack it?
Reid: The ability to clone myself and a year's supply of Adderall.
Rossi: I'll put on the coffee.
----
Rossi: How did you crack it?
Reid: I profiled the author. Cortland Ryan was on death row with several high-ranking members of the Aryan Brotherhood.
JJ: He got the code from the Aryans?
Reid: Either that, or he read a lot of sixteenth century literature. The Aryans like to use a cipher based on a four hundred year old code written by Sir Francis Bacon.
Morgan: So it's a binary code?
Reid: Yeah. Bacon used a twenty-one letter alphabet; this one's twenty-four. Each letter is assigned a bit string of five binary digits. This combination yields 32 possible encodings. Normally, you'd use a computer to run all these combinations, but it was quicker just to do it longhand until I found the right one.
Prentiss: [pokes Reid's cheek] He's so lifelike!
----
Garcia: So we'll search birth records from August, September, 2007. How's that? We'll do single mothers only, in case she wanted to keep the father a secret. You know, didn't wanna brag. "Oh, your baby daddy's a third grade teacher? Well mine likes to poke people in the stomach with tools. So there".
----
JJ: Anyone get directions back to the airstrip?
Morgan: The town's only got one road, we'll find it.
Prentiss: Yeah, Morgan doesn't like to follow directions. You didn't know about that?
Reid: Yeah, he likes to 'vibe it'
Morgan: Okay, smartass, you drive.
Prentiss: Oh, great.
Reid: Sweet.


4x03 "Minimal Loss"

Morgan: Garcia, what have we got on Cyrus?
Garcia: Oh, we got bupkis. It's like he never cast a shadow on the known universe. However, his predecessor, Leo Kane is doing a seventeen year stretch at Deerfield federal prison. Apparently Libertarians do not like paying taxes.
Morgan: Seventeen years for tax evasion?
Garcia: Oh no, that would be two years for tax evasion, and fifteen by going after two IRS agents with a Louisville Slugger.

4x04 "Paradise"

Reid: Hey, if you guys are hungry, I know a pretty good Indian restaurant that's open all night.
Prentiss: Aw, I can't. I have a date.
Morgan: You got a date? With who?
Prentiss: My hot tub.
Morgan: Oh, now that sounds like a party.
Prentiss: You're so not invited.
Morgan: Ooh! [slaps himself across the face]
----
[JJ puts headphones over her belly]
Prentiss: JJ?
JJ: So the baby can't hear.
Prentiss: What's he listening to?
JJ: Ah, Beethoven
Reid: Hmm, I personally preferred Mozart myself. But be careful to limit his exposure to one hour a day. Amniotic fluids have a tendency to amplify sound.
JJ: Thanks for the reminder, Doc.
----
Garcia: I thought you forgot about me. It hurt.
----
Reid: Thank you, Garcia.
Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome.
(Off the phone)
Hotch: Remind me to have her drug tested.
----
Reid: Mornin, JJ
JJ: Sorry for the wake-up call.
Hotch: It's alright, I wasn't sleeping.
----
JJ: What is this, leftover Kung Pao chicken? That's disgusting.
Sheriff: [laughs]
JJ: What?
Sheriff: The smell of Chinese food makes you sick, but you don't even flinch when you look at those pictures.
Reid: She's pretty tough.
----
Garcia: For the last two days, I’ve been searching through VICAP for similar rapes and murders in cases that are still open. That has yielded me diddly squat. So, I regrouped, I looked at pictures of baby pandas, I went back in, and I started searching for similar rapes and murders in cases that have been solved.
----
Prentiss: Well, roadside motels definitely go on my list. Of things to never do again.
Reid: You have a list?
Rossi: You don't?

4x05 "Catching Out"

Todd: [after Morgan has been flirting with her] They must love you here.
Morgan: What do you mean?
Todd: You throw out your first cup of coffee, then you get back in line for more, so either you love paying for bad coffee, or you did all that just to talk to me.
Morgan: You got me.
Todd: Have a nice day, Derek.
----
Reid: So wait, she knew your name?
Morgan: I don't know how I could forget a face like hers.
Reid: You've been with so many girls you can't remember all their names?
Prentiss: Oh, come on, are you surprised?
Morgan: This has never happened to me before.
Reid: Hasn't happened to me before, either.
Prentiss: It can't happen to you; you have an eidetic memory.
Morgan: Besides, you only got one name to remember.
Reid: [mock laughter]
----
Prentiss: It's like Goldilocks became a serial killer
----
JJ: Whoo, he's kicking a lot today
Reid: In the third trimester, there's an average of thirty fetal movements per hour. Babies kick to explore movement and strengthen muscle.
JJ: Have you actually ever felt a baby kick?
[JJ puts Reid's hand on her stomach]
JJ: You feel that?
Reid: Does that freak you out?
JJ: No, not at all. Does it freak you out?
Reid: Very much so.
----
Prentiss: You considering it?
Reid: Considering what?
Prentiss: Having baby geniuses one day.
----
Hotch: JJ, what are we going to do without you when you go on maternity leave?
JJ: What, so you think I'd just leave you hangin'?
Hotch: So that means you have a plan?
JJ: I don't know, you'll see.
----
Prentiss: So, is there anything you wanna tell us?
Morgan: Nope
Prentiss: Your forehead's sweating, oh, and he's avoiding eye contact.
Reid: And his blink rate just sped up!
Morgan: You know what guys, I don't think I want that burger too much anymore
Prentiss: Aw, come on. You can't run from us
Morgan: Watch me.

4x06 "The Instincts"

Reid: Why aren't we reviewing the case file?
Prentiss: I don't know, maybe because someone fell asleep on the jet.
----
Diana Reid: What else is going on in there?
Reid: Nothing.
Diana Reid: Don't lie to your mother, Spencer. We know.
----
Reid: [in the mental facility] I've been seeing things
Diana Reid: Don't say that!
----
Garcia: Her names Claire Bates, she was institutionalized six years ago after assaulting a fellow secretary at a law firm, and by that I mean she bit off part of her ear.
----
Reid: Hotch, do you think it would be possible to wait until tomorrow to return home?
Hotch: [to Morgan] Do you think you could find something to do in Vegas for the night?
(Morgan laughs)
----
Diana Reid: If anyone tries to keep him in here any longer, I'll scratch your eyes out.
Dr. Norman: One night only.
Diana Reid: It helps if they think you're crazy. They don't argue.

4x07 "Memoriam"

Morgan: [playing a loud casino game] Come on baby, give it to me! Give it to me, T! Nah uh!
Prentiss: Morgan, can you, please, can you? My head?
Morgan: Oh, my bad, sorry. You know these things are rigged right?
Rossi: Late night?
Prentiss: I hate Vegas.
Morgan: Come on, Prentiss, how can you hate Vegas? It's a grown folk's playground!
JJ: Anyone seen Reid?
Morgan: I know he stayed with his mom last night.
JJ: He should be here by now. He knows the departure time.
JJ: [Looks at casino game] This thing still has credit on it.
Prentiss:(Still dealing with the hangover) JJ! I swear to God!
JJ:(surprised) What?!
(Rossi gestures to JJ)
JJ:(implied) Oh.
(Morgan laughs)
----
Reid: What are you guys doing here?
Morgan: Hey. What's it look like we're doin'?
Reid: Uh, breaking into my room watching Days of our Lives?
Rossi: Young and the Restless.
Reid: Aren't you supposed to be on a plane back to DC?
Rossi: And you're supposed to be hangin' out with your mom.
----
Todd: I'll be shadowing JJ for the next couple weeks.
Prentiss: Big shoes to fill.
JJ: Big ankles, at least.
----
Reid: So, you didn't want more kids?
Diana Reid: Why mess with perfection?
----
Garcia: So you want me to hack into your father's network? Reid, are you sure about that?
Reid: I really wish people would stop asking me that.
----
Morgan: Yeah, talk to me baby girl.
Garcia: I'm not interrupting boy time at Crazy *****'s Two am I?
Morgan: You know that's not my thing, I prefer in room entertainment.
Garcia: I can't help you there. But I do give good phone...
----
Prentiss: Well, he did buy a ticket to see Celine Dion six months ago, but I think we can overlook that.
----
Girl: Wow, looks like you got a loose one.
Reid: No such thing. These machines run on random number generators. There's no brains, no bias. Best odds in the house, though.
Girl: Really. I thought that craps had the best odds.
Reid: They normally do, poker odds are slightly worse, at .7 percent in your favor. But if you employ optimal strategy and always draw for the royal flush you push those odds to two percent.
Girl: Smart and handsome.
----
Rossi: You do know you just gave two grand to a hooker.
----
Garcia: What's with the wincing, you okay?
JJ: Yeah, I'm fine.
Todd: Are you sure, I noticed this earlier.
Garcia: Earlier? How often?
JJ: Um, in the last hour, I'd say. Every ten minutes?
Garcia: JJ, why didn't you tell anyone?
JJ: Because, I am not due for another three weeks.
Garcia: Newsflash, you're in labor.
JJ: No, no, no, no, no because Reid needs us right now!
Garcia: No, you need you right now, come on, get up. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am not a doctor, I don't even play one on TV, but I believe young JJ's going into labor.
Prentiss: Are you okay?
Hotch: I'll get the car.
JJ: I need to call Will!
Garcia: From the car, honey, breathe and walk, breathe and walk.
Prentiss: Agent Todd, I hope you're ready because your job starts right now.
----
Sheriff: So, why all the fuss over a dead pervert?
----
Morgan: You beat a guy with a baseball bat, he's going to admit to a lot of things.
----
Garcia: Aw, Will, he looks just like you!
Will: Well, let's hope he grows out of that.
Prentiss: As long as he doesn't inherit the accent
Reid: You guys have room for one more?
----
Reid: Ooh, Yale! Do you wanna go to Yale, Henry? That was your godfather's safety school! Don't worry, I can get you into Cal Tech with one phone call.

4x08 "Masterpiece"

Reid: I hold doctorates in Chemistry, Mathematics, and Engineering, as well as BAs in Psychology and Sociology.
Audience Member: How old are you?
Reid: Uh, 27, yeah, as of last month, 27...I'm also completing an additional BA in philosophy. Which, reminds me that I have a joke. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Rossi: (Mouths) Don't...
Reid: [delighting in his own joke] Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes in incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a Nether World of cosmic nothingness [laughs] Um, an existentialist-
Rossi: OK! Before he does his quantum physics knock-knock joke
----
Rossi: You do know we want them to actually JOIN the bureau?
Reid: What? Yeah.
Rossi: We want these kids to think it's a cool place to work.
Reid: No, I understand that.
Rossi: Existentialism?
Reid: Existentialism? That was a funny joke, what do you mean?
Rossi: Yeah, to Sigmund Freud.
Reid: I tell them to stop sending me here, but they keep on sending me here and I don't know why!
Rossi: Because you're young.
Reid: Young...or Jung?
----
Prentiss: You wanted to see me?
Hotch: Yes, the Houston case. I'm missing the coroners supplemental for victim three.
Prentiss: That's supposed to come in this afternoon. I just turned that in last night! When do you sleep?
----
Garcia: Obviously tank girl.
Kevin Lynch: Tank girl?
Garcia: Absolutamundo!
Kevin Lynch: Is she even a good guy?
Garcia: Um, A, she's not a guy at all. Big plus. B, she is all about wild hair dye, flatulence, nose picking, spitting, explosive vomiting, occasional random sex, and more than occasional drunkeness. And she has a tank. Her very own tank. And that, mon amie, is girl power.
Kevin Lynch: Superman can fly.
[Hotch walks in]
Hotch: Garcia?
Kevin Lynch: Ah, thank you for the, ah, help with the, um, stuff thing.
Garcia: You don't have to lie, Kevin.
Hotch: Kevin, if she's not busy, you can visit.
Kevin: Right, sir, sorry.
Hotch: Garcia, Rossi's sending you some photos I need you to analyze them, see if you can find anything identifiable. They're possible homicide victims.
Garcia: Possible?
Hotch: Long story, most of which I don't know yet, but the clock may be ticking.
Garcia: Yes, sir
Hotch: Kevin.
Kevin: Yes sir?
Hotch: She's busy now...
----
Todd: I'm going to manifest happiness, and calm off the rest of the day.
Prentiss: Happiness and calm. At the BAU, that's good luck with that.
----
Reid: I never have any normal fans.
----
Garcia: There's got to be some kind of central grant database, I can't imagine the government just giving money away and not-I'll check anyway.
----
Garcia: Ok, how far could he have gone from Loretto and make it back to Fredericksburg by noon? There must be some sort of mathematical equation to do this. Should've paid more attention in algebra. Note to self, get Dr. Reid in here ASAP!
----
Rothchild: Where's Dr. Reid?
Rossi: Busy.
Rothchild: He has something going on more important than me?
Rossi: My dry cleaning is more important than you.
----
Rossi: You murdered all those women, just because of me?
Rothchild: That's right. I killed twelve people because of you. You took my family. I take yours.
Rossi: Did you get all that?
Garcia: Every word, boss.
Rossi: Well make copies before we give it to the attorney. This might make a pretty good teaching aid.

4x09 "52 Pickup"

Rossi: So how does our unsub go from loser of the year to Don Juan?
Reid: Actually, as Byron interpreted him, Don Juan was an ironic reversal of sex roles. And when - that's about it.
----
Reid: Garcia, are you ready?
Garcia: Sending it now. But please be aware that thirty minutes with Photoshop does not allow for much artistic flourish.
----
Prentiss: Of the twenty self-described pick up artist classes in the area, there's only one guy who encourages his students to dress like space cowboys. Are you ready to meet Viper?
----
Viper: Now, you might not want to believe my style works, and here, in this harsh light, you have the advantage. But meet me on my turf, oh, the things I could make you do
Hotch: If you have any questions, give us a call
Prentiss: Please, tell me we are not giving up on that guy.
Hotch: We're just getting started
----
Garcia: He actually said that? To Prentiss?
Hotch: Yes, he did. Now what can you tell me about him?
Garcia: I can tell you the Vipers real name is Paul Thomas, and before he re-christened himself, he had a major mullet going on.
----
Reid: One classic routine the Viper promotes is called the push pull. He'll insert himself between two women, and immediately after complimenting one, he'll deliver a subtle insult. Then pay attention to the other [turning to Todd] Those are some really nice earrings. I like those.
Todd: Thanks.
Reid: My grandmother wears a lot of fake jewelry also. Ignoring the one woman puts her in direct competition with her friend and causes the other to pursue you more aggressively. Sorry, I was just demonstrating.
----
Rossi: Actually, there is another angle we need to pursue.
Hotch: We still don't know what made the unsubchange his victimology. What made him stop killing prostitutes and move into the clubs.
Rossi: The answer might be something in Viper's class. But to figure that out we need to profile the teacher.
Morgan: We need to bait him then, with someone he sees as a challenge.
Reid: We need to study his style up close and personal. It's going to take somebody that he's already attracted to.
Prentiss: Oooh....oh this is really gonna suck.
----
Reid: When you think about the nature of serial crimes, it's amazing that there aren't more predators in the clubs. I mean, excessive amounts of alcohol, countless opportunities for date rape drugs, not to mention surprisingly risky behavior being pursued. Alright, so who wants a flier? Nobody? Ok...
Morgan: So, how's it going?
Reid: Not good, I gave the profile to one woman, she asked if I was the unsub. How are you doin'?
Morgan: Well, I gave out all my fliers.
Reid: How many phone numbers did you get?
Morgan: NONE. I'm workin a case here, kid. Okay, four were offered, but I didn't take any of 'em. Alright look, lemme school you real quick. What you have to do with these ladies is take control of the conversation. When you're talking, what makes you feel like an expert?
Reid: Uh, statistics!
Morgan: No, trust me, no. Somethin else.
Reid: Well, uh, when I do magic.
Morgan: See? That's perfect! Chicks dig magic! Imma give you a chance to work it.
----
Rossi: Is this the one that if you stare at it long enough you see the image of a swan?
----

4x10 "Brothers in Arms"


4x11 "Normal"
Morgan: [holding JJ's baby] Look, look, what's he doing? He is smiling at Derek Morgan.
Garcia & Prentiss: [glance at each other] Gas.

4x12 "Soul Mates"
Officer: (referring to Reid) Where’d you find this kid?
Rossi
: He was left in a basket on the steps of the FBI.

4x13 "Bloodline"
Garcia: Hiya, baby.
Morgan: Hey baby girl. We need to talk.
Garcia: PG or NC17?
Morgan: You're on speaker phone.
Garcia: I charge extra for groups.
----
Rossi: Gypsies.
Garcia: Gypsies? As in "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves?"
Rossi: Yes.
Garcia: Oh bless you all for turning my life into a Cher song!

4x14 "Cold Comfort"
Garcia: You are just jealous because you don't have the magic ingredient!
Prentiss: I have the magic ingredient...it's called Splenda.
[Garcia laughs]
----
Garcia: Reid, we need a DOB on Prentiss!
Reid: 7:12 AM, October 12th, 19...
Prentiss: Hey!

4x15 "Zoe's Reprise"
Eric Olson (the unsub): I always knew I'd end up back in prison, just a matter of when. You can come interview me if you want. I read in one of your books that's how you build your behavioral database, right? Maybe you can learn something from me. I've got a lot of questions myself. I'll be honest with you if you're honest with me. Because the one thing that you always ask is the one that I don't understand. Why?

4x16 "Pleasure is My Business"


4x17 "Demonology"
Prentiss: Is Hotch still here?
Garcia: Oh, I'm pretty sure he lives here.
----
Morgan: Rossi, don't tell me you believe in evil.
Rossi: Don't tell me you do this job and you don't.
Morgan: I believe there are evil acts, but those are choices - brain chemistry. What do you think, Hotch?
Hotchner: I think, deep down, we're all capable of unspeakable things. Where it starts or what you call it, I don't know.
----
Prentiss: It's like the end of "The Dead." When Gretta remembers the boy she loved when she was younger, and she says, "I think he died for me."
Rossi: You know, James Joyce also said, "There is no heresy or philosophy so abhorrent to the church as a human being."

4x18 "Omnivore"


4x19 "House on Fire"


4x20 "Conflicted"
Garcia: This portion of The Garcia Show will be brought to you by the letter "I" for icky.

4x21 "A Shade of Gray"


4x22 "The Big Wheel"
Garcia: [about the unsub] He sure likes his blondes. Not a good date, though - too stabby.
----
Prentiss: What's missing from the Michelle Watson murder is any sign of rage or overkill.
Reid: Yeah, instead on the tape we see signs of remorse. A complete and sudden emotional change. It's absolutely fascinating.
Garcia: I love you, Reid, but the stuff you find fascinating is sad.

4x23 "Roadkill"
Prentiss: Well, I think it's safe to assume that our unsub is male.
Hotch: I agree with you, given what we know about aggressive driving and road rage.
Prentiss: And the fact that men have an unnatural bond with their cars.
JJ: That is true.
Morgan: Wait a minute, I don't know about "unnatural".
JJ: I once dated a guy who washed his car more than he washed his hair.
Rossi: A nice car needs love.
JJ: And a woman doesn't?
Rossi: I'm not qualified to answer that.

4x24 "Amplification"
(while Reid is being cleaned by a biohazard team)
Morgan: I’m gonna see you off to the hospital
Reid: I'm about to get naked so they can scrub me down. Is that something you really wanna see?
Morgan: … I’ll check on you later.
----
Reid: [waking up from the anthrax attack] Are you eating jello?
Morgan: Hey kid. Hey Doc, look who's back!
Reid: Is there any more jello?

4x25 "To Hell... (Part 1)"


4x26 "...And Back (Part 2)"





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